[personal profile] sinnamongirl
There's one country-western club in my town, which is a bit odd considering the town itself, but I gotta specify that by club I mean CLUB. Not bar. I think by default all bars in this town are country-western bars. First time I went to this club, I ended up line-dancing to No Diggity. They also have a ladies mud wrestling night, winner walks away with $250. Even had it set up tournament-style for awhile, the 6-weeks winner gets a cool grand and, obviously, bragging rights.

So my cousin Naomi, she shows up at granny's and says she's gonna go for it. Her brother's a bronco rider, she figures if he's got a drawer full of buckles for staying on a horse for 8 seconds, she can take out a couple hillbillies in a mud ring. She's strong, true, but she's also a sweetheart with a penchant for the cannabis, so I give my beer to granny, step out of the kiddie pool, and ask her what her moves are gonna be.

"Moves?" She looks at me blankly. "Like, plan them out? It's mud wrestling, you just go for it."

This is no good. I pat her hand, say, "I'll help you sweetie," and stroll into the garage to get more beer and make a call. She needs practice. Coaching. Some solid advice from some solid professionals, and that's not me. There's family pride at stake here. If she goes down in the ring, all the old bags at the bingo hall will be heckling granny for months.

I stroll back out, hand a Busch to Naomi and granny, knock back half of mine.

"Emma and Justin will be here soon, so drink up," I tell her, then turn the hose onto the garden patch we left fallow this year. It's 98 degrees out and has been for weeks, so the dirt is hard and packed but, obviously, we need some mud. I sit back in the kiddie pool and prop the hose up to get the ground nice and gooey.

Justin and Emma show up 10 minutes later. Emma's birth name is Paul, and Paul is a nice mild-mannered sort of guy, but if there's a wig on the head, she's Emma, and Emma is a nasty, unpredictable bitch... which is what you have to be, it seems, if you're gonna be riding around a cow town in Carhartts and a blond wig without getting beat up regularly. Exactly the kind of role model Naomi needs right now.

Justin, though... Justin's been in and out of jail, did some terrible things in the army he'll never talk about, and he gets right into it. While I haul myself up, get more beers, turn off the hose, he prods Naomi into the mud and starts talking.

"Rules - you can't get high first, but you can have a few shots of tequila, get yourself riled up and a little loose. It'll hurt less if you go down. Girls fight dirty, so you wanna go for the head and face. Get an arm around the neck, a leg around the ankle, you're maybe good to go."

Naomi nods, all seriousness, then shrieks as he pushes her shoulder and falls back into the huge mud puddle.

"No, see, no good... it's slippery, obviously, and you gotta find your balance," Justin says, nudging her in the side with his foot. "Stand up, give me a good crouch."

Naomi stands up, laughing some, and flexes her knees. This time when Justin pushes her, she sways but doesn't go down. Fast learner. Did I mention she was smart? Real smart girl. Besides ideas like this, that is.

"Now, what's your opener?"

Naomi just shrugs; so Justin turns to me, "She needs to actually practice, can't swim around in the mud and call it good. You hop in there."

I shake my head. I'm not gonna wrestle my little cousin. Sure, I outweigh her by a good 50 pounds, but she's got height and reach and youth. Also, we're a close family, but not that close. We all turn to Emma, who took it upon herself to pull the curlers out of granny's hair and start teasing it up into an old-lady puff. Nice thing about Emma, she's up for anything. She bounds toward Naomi and without a word lunges at her legs. It's on. Justin stands back to avoid the mud flying while the two grunt and heave and, now and then, shriek a little when some hair gets pulled. Or in Emma's case, shriek a lot - it's not her best wig, and she's gonna have to clean it good tonight, but if it comes off she'll lose her shit.

Granny's covering her eyes, I'm laughing, Justin's yelling advice: "Keep your center of gravity! Twist! Hold her down, no, HOLD HER DOWN!"

Emma and Naomi break apart, panting, and Justin walks back up, crouches down, and says, "Look, if you're losing ground, or outmatched from the start, there's two things you can do to take your opponent completely by surprise: First, and nobody - NOBODY - expects this, is slip a finger up the ass. It'll freak anybody ou-"

Emma interjects, "Not me," and bats her eyelashes at Justin.

"Okay, yeah that's a good point. If by some chance it doesn't freak the other person out, it's a whole new ball game anyway, and you still got the element of surprise and can run away while they're figuring their next move." He glances at Emma, and adds, "Or, you know, you can roll with it, but that's a jail yard thing. Finger up the ass, fight's over, one way or the other."

Naomi can't help but giggle at this, despite the dead-serious look on Justin's face.

"Second thing, with girls, you don't got a real clear target. You're up against a guy, you go for the balls. Generally you can go for the kidneys, but when you're grappling it can be hard to get a clear shot. Girls, you can sometimes get a foot to the cooch, and that hurts, but it takes some room to maneuver. So go for an ovary punch, just low on the stomach and off to the side."

He traces, lightly, right about where Naomi's ovary is, and she nods, eyes big. I file this away in my head. My fighting days are long gone, back in the days of coke and whiskey, but it seems like good advice.

"Plus you can disguise that a little, it's not so obvious a move. If your girl's fighting dirty, go for it, right there. Slam her in the ovary then sit on her back and shove her face all into that mud."

Turns out it's good advice. When the real deal happened, Naomi took down her opponents hard and fast and bought textbooks for the next term with her winnings. As we sat there, whooping our heads off, granny beaming with pride, Naomi turned to me and winked and mouthed, "Ovary punch," then took her victory lap around the ring.


Because I really do spend a lot of time in a kiddie pool in granny's backyard drinking cheap beer:
busch light

Date: 2016-01-22 08:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kickthehobbit.livejournal.com
this is fabulous! :D

Date: 2016-01-22 09:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sinnamongirl.livejournal.com
Thank you!

I couldn't decide to footnote it or not... Like, what of that actually happened and what didn't. But then I thought it might take some of the impact out.

Date: 2016-01-22 09:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kickthehobbit.livejournal.com
I think leaving the footnotes out was the right call. It's great as it is and stands alone really well. :)

Date: 2016-01-22 10:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sinnamongirl.livejournal.com
Thank you! :D

Date: 2016-01-24 09:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sinnamongirl.livejournal.com
Kapow!

(I totally saw comic book font and pain lines when I read bam.)

Date: 2016-01-23 07:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] witchwife.livejournal.com
My goodness - this reminds me of the town I grew up in. I especially liked the description of Emma/Paul. Well put!

Date: 2016-01-24 09:12 pm (UTC)

Date: 2016-01-23 08:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] halfshellvenus.livejournal.com
Paul/Emma/mud-wrassling pseudo-woman!

I still feel as if the main character doesn't quite know what she's in for, even after having done it!

Date: 2016-01-24 09:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sinnamongirl.livejournal.com
Haha, no, she doesn't...

Date: 2016-01-23 03:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] murielle.livejournal.com
I really enjoyed this! I'm not likely to ever enter a mud wrestling match, but if I'm ever in a situation where it's slippery and I have to defend myself...I might survive, thanks to you. ;-)

Date: 2016-01-24 09:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sinnamongirl.livejournal.com
I'm glad you enjoyed it! And got something useful out of it ;)

Date: 2016-01-23 10:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dmousey.livejournal.com
This cracked me up! You could easily picture this cast of characters! Thanks for penning! Peace~~~D

Date: 2016-01-24 09:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sinnamongirl.livejournal.com
Thank you! And I'm so glad it made you laugh :)

Date: 2016-01-24 01:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] favoritebean.livejournal.com
This was pretty funny. I never learned how to wrestle, but the one fist fight I was in, I did an ovary punch, and it was all over for that girl.

Date: 2016-01-24 09:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sinnamongirl.livejournal.com
I never learned to wrestle myself, and have only ever been in (a very few) fights with guys. Though oddly didn't avail myself of the obvious punch to the balls at the times.

Date: 2016-01-24 05:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] leni-ba.livejournal.com
Hah! I love the idea of an older cousin bringing in the calvary when Lil Cuz needs a helping hand, and that part of the reason is so granny won't get teased! Adorable!

And, of course, the 'coaching' itself was hilarious!

Thanks for sharing. :)

Date: 2016-01-24 09:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sinnamongirl.livejournal.com
Thank you for the comments, and for reading!

I'm always there for my cousins... maybe not in the way they're expecting or hoping for, but I'm there ;)

Date: 2016-01-24 07:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rayaso.livejournal.com
Dear god this was fun! I loved the whole idea, the characters, the dialog, and especially the picture at the end -- you've got pool cred.

Date: 2016-01-24 09:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sinnamongirl.livejournal.com
Thank you so much! It was fun to write - I must admit in real life, my little cousin didn't do so well at the mud wrestling. Lost horribly. So I figured to rewrite some history just for fun and give her the victory.

And seriously I love that pool... too bad my littlest cousins put a crack in it at the end of the summer, because now I have to buy a new one.

Date: 2016-01-24 11:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rayaso.livejournal.com
And in the end, your cousin had the experience of mud wrestling, which will make for some great stories.

Date: 2016-01-25 12:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sinnamongirl.livejournal.com
It's true! She's got this zest for life which I quite admire - she really is a total sweetheart and sort of quiet, then she does stuff like this because why not? It's too bad she didn't win, though, she's actually working her way through college and was going to spend the money on textbooks. I just couldn't find a way to work that in without starting to go overboard on details.

Date: 2016-01-24 11:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fodschwazzle.livejournal.com
This is as good a family scene as any I've seen so far. I find the notion of mouthing the words "Ovary Punch" to someone after winning mud wrestling to be almost too funny.

Date: 2016-01-25 12:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sinnamongirl.livejournal.com
Thank you! I'm glad you found it funny, too :)

Date: 2016-01-25 08:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] eternal-ot.livejournal.com
Ha! Loved this action packed entry..and am taking home some tips as well..So, thanks..:) Enjoyed reading this! Cool Job!

Date: 2016-01-25 05:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sinnamongirl.livejournal.com
Thank you! I'm so glad you enjoyed it :D

Date: 2016-01-25 08:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] prog-schlock.livejournal.com
I love your family, I love this entry. I love everything about it - the hanging out in the kiddie pool, the mud wrestling, Emma (or holy cats I love Emma) and the fact that winning at mud wrestling is a matter of family pride. I genuinely want to stand precariously balanced on a folding chair and applaud and cheer for this story.

This song came to mind immediately:

Date: 2016-01-25 09:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sinnamongirl.livejournal.com
Thank you!

I've debated with mentioning how much truly happened - it's actually an amalgamation of things... my cousin actually lost at the mud wrestling, sadly, as she was going to use the money for textbooks for college. Etc, etc, but it was real fun to write.

And Emma... Honestly in real life it's sort of frustrating. My friends and I got to the point where we had to tell Paul "You're invited to this party, but Emma isn't." It's like inviting someone and not inviting their girlfriend, except... it's actually the same person. I'm a little afraid of Emma, she's gonna get arrested someday, and Paul's gonna wake up in a jail cell the next day like "what happened?"

Date: 2016-01-25 09:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ellison.livejournal.com
This is a lot of fun! Well done!

Date: 2016-01-25 09:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sinnamongirl.livejournal.com
Thank you so much! :D

Date: 2016-01-26 12:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] majesticarky.livejournal.com
Hoo what dirty fighting! ^_-

Date: 2016-01-26 02:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sinnamongirl.livejournal.com
Yup, actual advice! Almost verbatim, actually, though the ovary punch was my own just to get the prompt in there ;)

Date: 2016-02-09 10:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] misfitmanor.livejournal.com
BWAAAAHHHH!!!!! This had me laughing all the way through! OMG, I'm hoping this is mostly fictional? Cause if it's not, your family is crazier than mine! (And FABULOUS!!!) XD

~[livejournal.com profile] karmasoup

Date: 2016-02-09 11:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sinnamongirl.livejournal.com
I'm so glad you laughed!

So, let's see... Naomi (who is actually my 1st cousin once removed), failed miserably at the mud wrestling. I didn't make it down to watch, but she asked for advice on FB and I was laughing about it so texted the guy I was seeing, Jason (who is thinly disguised as Justin) who lives in another town. The finger up the ass advice was his for-real advice, and he has indeed spent some time in jail (though not federal prison, at least not yet - might be going in later this year). Actually all the fighting advice except for the ovary punch was his; that was mine because I had to work in the prompt! Emma/Paul is actually my friend Paul, who indeed has an alter-ego named Emma. He doesn't, however, ride around town with the wig on, it's only for special occasions - weddings and whatnot. It's just when he gets drunk, Emma comes out. It's actually pretty awkward, because Emma can get super-crazy, and for some years we as a group would invite Paul out and have to specify that Emma was not invited. She was completely banned for a little while there.

Granny was more rueful and shaking her head than enthused about the mud wrestling, though still thought it was funny. She'd be more likely to make a joke out of it than brag about it, but I can guarantee she'd work it into conversations for years to come. And she actually avoids the bingo hall because she got in an argument with another old lady down there a few years back and refuses to return. Oh, and the training session never really happened because there was only a few days between Naomi announcing she was doing it and actually doing it.

So it's a fictionalized version but closely based on real people and events; I figured I'd just rewrite history to give Naomi the win :)

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