Friday: Oh Jayyyyyyus.
Mar. 14th, 2014 07:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sinnamongirlJayus: “From Indonesian, meaning a joke so poorly told and so unfunny that one cannot help but laugh."
Last time I saw Mike the Neighbor was around my birthday, during the cold snap. I was all drugged up on the pain pills for my foot, but went out for a drink with the Pox and Una anyway, mostly because I also wanted cigarettes and a Scratch-It and some food but was (legitimately) stoned out of my gourd and stared off into space most of the time. After the bar we went across the street, and there was Mike the Neighbor, whom I hadn't seen since The Fiasco in January - the night I was really upset about dad skipping out on his parole, greyhounding it to parts unknown, telling people alternatively that the air in southern Oregon was killing his lungs (no mention of his pack a day habit doing so), that a ring of child pornographers were trying to kill him, etc... that night I had too much to drink, not enough to eat, and was incredibly upset. Worried about dad, pissed off at him, weirdly relieved, etc. That night I had also run into Mike the Neighbor.
That night, the first bar we went to informed us (also me, the Pox, and Una) that they no longer served cooked food, so we went to the Halftime to get tots. Delicious, delicious tots. This is when I chugged my second beer, so we could leave - my 13.something% alcohol content beer. On an empty stomach, having fought back tears and angst all night. By the time we got the mile down the street I was reeling, and there at the Halftime was Mike the Neighbor, offering to buy me a friendly shot of Sailor Jerry's. Which used to be my all-time favorite until I started developing red splotches all over my face and chest whenever I drank, but I was already loose as a goose and forgot about that, so I accepted. I sipped it, thank goodness, but still within the course of 5 or 10 minutes had gone twice as far downhill. We were outside smoking and chatting with Justin, the intriguingly scarred and handsome bartender, when I realized I had to piss. Like a racehorse.
Slurring and wobbling, I suavely excused myself by saying, "I gotta piss. LIKE A RACEHORSE." Big pause while they smiled politely and I pirouetted around the door frame, leaned back out, and finished with, "On all fours and making funny noises," then departed to the bathroom where I proceeded to sit down, develop some freaky tunnel vision and the conviction I was going to die on a sports bar bathroom toilet. Then I leaned over to the sink (close enough so I could do it without getting up from the toilet - convenience!) and barfed out about half of a tater tot, which unfortunately my brain interpreted as a massive sinkful of barfing that had flown all over the place so I wobbled back out and demanded to leave, while I believe the Pox checked the bathroom to clean up since I stated repeatedly I'd barfed "all over."
Mike the Neighbor and Justin the Bartender were awfully nice, but it's still embarrassing. What's worse is that, to this date, nobody laughs at the "on all fours and making funny noises." My cousin Ian is, I believe, the first person to have said this to me, and I think it's hilarious. Ian and I used to fall all over ourselves. But it's apparently not funny. Or perhaps it's incomprehensible to other people, as a statement. I don't know. I think it may be jayus. I'd been embarrassed I'd said it in front of Mike the Neighbor that first night, but when we ran into him in the convenience store on the post-birthday night, I realized I'm short enough to look directly up into his cavernous nostrils, and there was a huge wad of greenish snot blocking the right one. So I figure we're even, as far as embarrassment goes.
As far as jayus goes, that's not actually the first thing that popped into my head. I just really want a drink, have 42 minutes until Una's birthday party and am hating work and this is the story that spilled out - so, besides my life itself being a total jayus, here's one that makes me laugh every time: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
------
......
******
Because it was dead.
Last time I saw Mike the Neighbor was around my birthday, during the cold snap. I was all drugged up on the pain pills for my foot, but went out for a drink with the Pox and Una anyway, mostly because I also wanted cigarettes and a Scratch-It and some food but was (legitimately) stoned out of my gourd and stared off into space most of the time. After the bar we went across the street, and there was Mike the Neighbor, whom I hadn't seen since The Fiasco in January - the night I was really upset about dad skipping out on his parole, greyhounding it to parts unknown, telling people alternatively that the air in southern Oregon was killing his lungs (no mention of his pack a day habit doing so), that a ring of child pornographers were trying to kill him, etc... that night I had too much to drink, not enough to eat, and was incredibly upset. Worried about dad, pissed off at him, weirdly relieved, etc. That night I had also run into Mike the Neighbor.
That night, the first bar we went to informed us (also me, the Pox, and Una) that they no longer served cooked food, so we went to the Halftime to get tots. Delicious, delicious tots. This is when I chugged my second beer, so we could leave - my 13.something% alcohol content beer. On an empty stomach, having fought back tears and angst all night. By the time we got the mile down the street I was reeling, and there at the Halftime was Mike the Neighbor, offering to buy me a friendly shot of Sailor Jerry's. Which used to be my all-time favorite until I started developing red splotches all over my face and chest whenever I drank, but I was already loose as a goose and forgot about that, so I accepted. I sipped it, thank goodness, but still within the course of 5 or 10 minutes had gone twice as far downhill. We were outside smoking and chatting with Justin, the intriguingly scarred and handsome bartender, when I realized I had to piss. Like a racehorse.
Slurring and wobbling, I suavely excused myself by saying, "I gotta piss. LIKE A RACEHORSE." Big pause while they smiled politely and I pirouetted around the door frame, leaned back out, and finished with, "On all fours and making funny noises," then departed to the bathroom where I proceeded to sit down, develop some freaky tunnel vision and the conviction I was going to die on a sports bar bathroom toilet. Then I leaned over to the sink (close enough so I could do it without getting up from the toilet - convenience!) and barfed out about half of a tater tot, which unfortunately my brain interpreted as a massive sinkful of barfing that had flown all over the place so I wobbled back out and demanded to leave, while I believe the Pox checked the bathroom to clean up since I stated repeatedly I'd barfed "all over."
Mike the Neighbor and Justin the Bartender were awfully nice, but it's still embarrassing. What's worse is that, to this date, nobody laughs at the "on all fours and making funny noises." My cousin Ian is, I believe, the first person to have said this to me, and I think it's hilarious. Ian and I used to fall all over ourselves. But it's apparently not funny. Or perhaps it's incomprehensible to other people, as a statement. I don't know. I think it may be jayus. I'd been embarrassed I'd said it in front of Mike the Neighbor that first night, but when we ran into him in the convenience store on the post-birthday night, I realized I'm short enough to look directly up into his cavernous nostrils, and there was a huge wad of greenish snot blocking the right one. So I figure we're even, as far as embarrassment goes.
As far as jayus goes, that's not actually the first thing that popped into my head. I just really want a drink, have 42 minutes until Una's birthday party and am hating work and this is the story that spilled out - so, besides my life itself being a total jayus, here's one that makes me laugh every time: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
------
......
******
Because it was dead.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2014-03-15 03:22 am (UTC)Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
Because she did not have any arms.
no subject
Date: 2014-03-15 10:26 pm (UTC)But I'm glad it's a good drunk story! It's been awhile since I've done any drunken rampaging, and right afterward I was telling myself I've done MUCH worse so at least it's progress ;)
no subject
Date: 2014-03-15 11:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-16 12:33 am (UTC)Last night I actually did something ridiculously awkward with frozen pot stickers, but it was so funny that I wished more people had seen it... too funny to be embarrassed about, even... but the things I do when I'm drunk often embarrass me simply because they're connected to the drinking.
Also on the bright side, Mike the Neighbor seems generally confused and gratified by my talking to him, so I doubt he's judging me as harshly as I could imagine.
no subject
Date: 2014-03-16 02:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-16 02:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-16 04:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-17 02:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-17 05:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-20 01:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-20 06:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-17 05:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-20 01:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-17 06:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-20 01:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-17 11:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-20 01:04 am (UTC)I might be a terrible person :(
no subject
Date: 2014-03-18 02:26 am (UTC)(Also, what's with the red splotches? I occasionally get those too. Annoying..)
no subject
Date: 2014-03-20 01:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-18 03:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-20 01:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-18 01:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-20 01:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-18 06:56 pm (UTC)I love the on all fours, making funny noises comment too.
But that last part before the monkey joke made me almost throw up. For real.
no subject
Date: 2014-03-20 01:06 am (UTC)Sort of reminded me of that song from grade school, the "great green globs of greasy grimy gopher guts" one.
no subject
Date: 2014-03-19 02:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-20 01:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-19 07:35 pm (UTC)This line just cracked me up -- it was so easy to see this happening, and was a perfect action for someone who's hammered. Nicely done! :)
no subject
Date: 2014-03-20 01:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-19 08:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-20 01:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-20 02:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-21 01:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-20 02:59 pm (UTC)Sorry about your dad though....
AW
no subject
Date: 2014-03-21 01:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-21 11:56 am (UTC)AW
no subject
Date: 2014-03-23 04:38 am (UTC)